"was there something going on with Laurie and you?"

I've been thinking about how to respond to this question. And I admire the courage of Sheila to ask it. I recently talked to someone who has been reading my blog since Laurie died and she said that she thinks there has been a lingering curiosity about this amongst readers. True? Not so much? I have curiosity regarding your curiosity. 

Anyway, how do I answer this truthfully in a way that satisfies the reader, while maintaining privacy for both myself and Laurie?

The answer is....I don't know. But I'll give it the old college try. 

Obviously Laurie and I had a very close friendship. And there were times when the two of us explored the possibility of more than a friendship. 

Then why the hell didn't it happen?

I still ask myself that question sometimes.

Sometimes we were on the same page but didn't know it.

I found out about one of these instances somewhat recently. I had a conversation with a friend about wanting to date Laurie. Shortly after, Laurie had a conversation with that same friend about wanting to date me. Not wanting to meddle, our friend said nothing. So there's one example of Laurie and I wanting to date each other, but not knowing it. Sucks, no?

And now I look back at things we did together, things we said to each other, and specific moments a little differently. 

Like last summer I found a letter she once wrote me for Christmas/my birthday. I hadn't seen it in a few years. I read it now with a different color to it than I did when she first gave it to me. Here are a few lines from it.

"There is something about you Drew Brown that I just can't get enough of. I'm hooked! ...I love how we can just laugh together for hours and hours about absolutely nothing. ...I love that you are one of the only people I want to see after I've had a really long, sad, or stressful day. You make me so happy Drew! I hope that you know that I care about you much more than I think you know. ...Drew, you make me so happy. ...I really look forward to many more years together as best friends making many more memories. I love you Drew Brown!"

Yeah.

There's more but I don't want to get too obnoxious about it. 

At the risk of sounding cheesey, there are moments between Jim and Pam in the first three seasons of The Office that remind me of my friendship with Laurie. Having countless inside jokes, knowing what the other is thinking without saying a word...you get the point.  

And in the last episode of the third season when she thinks she's lost Jim to Karen and New York, Pam says "we just never got the timing right."

That's how I feel. We just never got the timing right. 

Of course right after Pam says that Jim walks in and asks her out and they have been together ever since. 

I prefer that ending.