Thursday, April 13, 2006

In the words of the late Tupac Shakur, "this be the realest shit I ever wrote".

Sometimes....and let me emphasize the SOMETIMES....I wonder why we make such a big deal about pre-marital sex.

That's right, friends. Sometimes I just don't get it.

There are so many people that have committed their lives to following God who haven't waited until marriage. I know a few people who were crucial to my spiritual formation who didn't wait. Did it dramatically screw up their lives? Not to my knowledge. So you'll have to excuse me when I question the system.

People who held out until marriage have said "I'm so glad I waited". But I'm not sure I know a ton of people who didn't wait who have said "I wish I had waited."

Please hear what I'm saying and what I'm not saying.

It might be different if I knew who I was going to marry and saw a little light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't, so it's a little harder to accept the waiting.

In my heart of hearts, I know what's right. That's why I've never made whoopee. But sometimes it gets difficult when I think with my....testosterone....rather than my mind.

By the way, I'm aware of what the Bible says so don't even go there girlfriend. Provide some actual thought instead of just reciting a verse.

I'm gonna be getting phone calls.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

now, maybe I'm totally off on this but it seems like the Bible doesn't say much about pre marital sex. Its more all about adultery. I think if you have sex with someone (whether you are married or not) you are married in God's eyes. Any sex with another woman after that is adultery.

April 13, 2006 3:10 AM  
Blogger Kate Michele said...

Well personally I didn't wait untill I was married but i did wait untill I was with the man I knew I was going to marry. We bith knew we were gonna get married so what does it matter the timming? Personally I didn't want to be extra stressed and nervous on my wedding night cuase he had experience and I didn't, I mean the day itself is stressful enough. You feeling what I'm saying? I hope I gave some insight.....

April 13, 2006 9:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think there are any right answers to your question. I believe you have to do what feels right in your heart and in your soul. In my circle of friends, I get teased because of my VERY low number, but sex IS important and should be shared with someone special. Hopefully that leads to marriage, but if not, you move on and learn from it. I think it's great for someone to wait until they are married, but if you don't, I also don't think you should feel less about yourself. In my eyes, sex is a bond like no other between two people and you have to be ready for that step...whether you are married or not. Go with your heart on this one.

April 13, 2006 12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not only did I not wait, I was actually pregnant at my own wedding, however, I dod recall at one point late in the evening at my reception actually thinking that there was a part of me that wished I had waited. It is such a big thing, and I imagine that sharing that moment for the first time on your wedding night would be pretty darn special. However, this should be taken with a grain of salt, because since I had already done the deed, I knew what I was expecting. Had I been a virgin, I wouldn't know what the build-up was going to be, hence, the paradox.

April 13, 2006 1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was 15 I attended a retreat in which one of the topics was pre marital sex. I remember the pastor saying how much he regretted having sex before he was married because he had married someone who had waited and he felt as though he had cheated her. I decided then that I would make the commitment to myself, God and my future husband to wait until I was married. Well I am now thirty and still waiting (in 10 years I will have my own movie!). It has not always been an easy choice. I have watched many a boyfriend walk away.
I am often asked if I will have sex once I am engaged, to "try out the goods". I don't know, but what I do know is this, after staying commited to this choice, I trust that God wil not let me down and I will be "compatable" with my future spouse. Obviously this is a very personal choice and no one can say for sure what is right or wrong. You have to listen to your heart and decide what is right for you and your future.

April 13, 2006 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry...I meant "compatible".

April 13, 2006 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i dont think it matters whether or not other relationships have "worked" or not. the bottom line is that we should want to keep ourselves pure for our future spouse and its also an obedience thing. we are told to wait, its not a leisurely action. its an action that seals the commitment of marriage. it should be about living a life of truth and loyalty to our Father. and he tells us to wait.

April 13, 2006 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, I agree with everyone in that "to have or not to have" premarital sex is a personal matter. Waiting for marriage is very honorable, but at the same time, I see no problem not waiting. I will say this...when I lost my virginity it was to my college boyfriend. We dated for 4 years. I thought the sex was wonderful (because I had never been with anyone else). Since him and I are no longer together I have been with others (no, I do not sleep around) and I can say with certainty that I have more "chemistry" with some than others. So for me, personally, I want to be sure that my future life partner and I are a fit, sexually. Yes, I realize there is more to a great and lasting relationship than sex, but we'd be kidding ourselves if we denied its importance. So those are my thoughts on the subject...

April 13, 2006 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Abby said...

I COMPLETELY agree with the anonymous above. Someone wise once told me that faith is about love and leading a life with love, its not just about living by a bunch of rules. So I say, part of loving someone is being intimate, including physically. Therefore, if you are really in love, then sex just comes next naturally. Sometimes love doesn't work out, but thats life, a bunch of experiences that make you who you are.

April 13, 2006 10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess my opinion on this whole thing is a little different from the rest...let me explain.

I have had sex and I am not married. I WILL be one of those people that says....I wish wish wish I had waited. There are many reasons for this. One is that if the relationship does not work out like you totally thought it would.... emotionally letting go of that person you have had that intimate bond with is REALLY hard. And letting go in a clean way to that relationship is one of the hardest things to do. There are so many emotions that come with sex. Now I must say I am speaking from a womans point of view and maybe guys are not totally the same but when you have sex wth someone you create a tie to them. I have had to pray for years asking God to remove it.(The emotions are extreme!!!)

And then there is the fact that I now have the experience I once did not have which now pushes expectations in the man I will one day marry. What if he doesnt mount up to the last guy? What if the guy I slept with before was better? Or more well in dowd(please dont think Im shallow...Im just being honest). This is the truth to pre marital sex. What if I pass up the man I am suppose to be with because of these expectations I now have? Yet had I not had the experience....I wouldnt be judging...but I am now.

I just want to add one more thing to the comments that have been made.....When I had sex, I was following my heart, or so I thought. And "my heart" brought me into deep emotional pain....or was that just my "Lustful" decision that brought that on. The relationship I had sex in was supose to work. We talked marriage...we moved in together....we had a child. But in the end....I was left broken from my choices. So if you want my opinion.....Wait. Wait for the girl who is waiting for you.

April 13, 2006 11:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's be honest here, Drew is a big boy and I don't think he was asking for anybody to give him "permission" to have sex before marriage, or to convince him to "stay pure" until the night of his wedding. You're all treating him like he needs someone to make up his mind for him, when he really was just trying to say that SOMETIMES he just doesn't get the big deal people make about pre-marital sex. Drew, just do what's right for you (and your respective partner when the time comes), because that's the only thing that really matters.

April 14, 2006 11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter if I've waited or not waited, regret it or not. The part to remember about sex before marriage within the context that you asked Drew, is this: God thinks of his church as his wife. An intimate, serious, loving relationship shared between two people (me and God, you and God, you know what I mean) and no one else. Song of Soloman is all about God relating to his church, with the intensity of a honeymooning couple to explain how He important He sees the relationship to be. The only reason that God ok's divorce without further attempt to save the marriage, is infidelity. Sexual relations between husband and wife are that serious to Him to that he'd rather see an institution that He himself invented fail (divorce) than see it go on knowing that kind of bond had been defiled. It IS up to you if you want to do it before or after you get married, just like it's up to you to get out of bed in the morning or not, God doesn't micro manage - but there is almost no way you will be able to do it without emotional fallout (and I would also say that's what makes marriage so hard as well - same sex, same bond, same heartache). That is by far, the hardest part of a breakup...knowing that someone else out there knows you in that way besides the person that you love (and seeing that other person on the street with the person you love).

April 14, 2006 11:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter but I did wait. I am so glad I did. I'm glad my spouse did too - no comparisions or problem expectations... no fear of what we brought in with us as far as diseases etc.

I agree with the last anon. commenter. It is so common now to say "follow your heart" etc. But - the Bible is clear - and as you said Drew - you know that and don't need to hear it repeated.

Beyond that - the emotional ties created when sex is involved in a relationship are intense (as spoken to earlier). There is research that shows that when a relational break up happens (from a relationship that has included sex) - the emotional pain and hardship is equal to that of a divorce.

Also, really - God does protect us from a lot - STDs, HIV and pregnancy happen - even when people have used protection.

Nothing super unique here except my concern that it has becoming increasingly popular - among Christians, to say ok to everything - to not speak strongly so we are not accused of judging. But sometimes truth is clear and to really be loving one another - we have to stick to that truth.

We can look at this on a case by case basis as Drew and many commenters have - but that is anecdotal evidence and doesn't reflect on the right or wrong of an act.

April 14, 2006 3:35 PM  
Blogger mistygardens said...

Well... the way I look at it is, the bible permitted behaviors such as polygamy, levirate marriage, sex with slaves, treatment of women as property, girls marrying at the age of eleven, concubinage... stuff we would never advocate now. This is just to say my opinion is that there are plenty of Biblical sexual mores and values that conflict with societal laws/standards today, but that is because it was an ENTIRELY different time period/society/culture and we no longer view those things as correct due to progressing in society and gradually having our standards of morality changing. I don't believe the Bible has any "sexual ethic" or determined law about sex. It just.. shows a variety of sexual "mores" that have changed over the thousand plus years since it was written and at this point, people should be allowed and encouraged to judge for themselves. I heard a quote somewhere that Christian morality is not a chastity belt but a way of expressing the integrity of our relationship with God. That would seem to say that being moral means rejecting sexual "mores" that violate our integrity. So... the question seems to be then whether sex is a violation of your own integrity. Frankly, I think that's up to each person to determine. It isn't to me. I didn't wait, and despite the fact I think I picked the wrong person to have sex with (and consequently ended up marrying him and having him want a divorce after only two years), I stand by my choice of not waiting. I will never again let guilt over sex make me feel like I have to marry someone, and I won't let other people make me feel the need to apologize for my life and choices. They have all taught me SO much.

That's my 2 cents.

April 15, 2006 9:15 PM  

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