Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Second Lake Visit

I made an impromptu visit to the lake tonight and surprise, surprise--I'm just as confused as ever. While standing there on the edge, looking down at the water, I still try to understand how someone can make the decision to jump in. Some say suicide is "the easy way out". I'd like to know what's easy about making the decision to end your own life, because I can't imagine ever having the resolve to do that. I don't see how it can be easy to jump in freezing water, or stick your head in a noose, or pull the trigger on yourself. It might be selfish, but don't tell me it's easy because clearly you have to be out of your right mind to do it.

The lake is also where I find myself most wanting to talk to Laurie. To ask why. What the hell were you thinking? Why didn't you say something? Why did you choose the lake of all places? Why did you have to put us through 2 days of panic?

And the question I really want to know is...what happened that pushed her to this? Yes I know there were probably a lot of factors contributing to what she was feeling. But if she decided on the morning of March 2nd that she was going to kill herself later that day, then what happened on March 1st? Or Feb 28th? Did someone say something to her? Did she see/hear/read something that she just couldn't deal with? What happened that pushed her to give up her own life?

Someone please makes some sense of this.

8 Comments:

Blogger Jackie R. said...

Hey Drew... I hear you... weird; I was telling Eve that the last few days I have been obsessing about this same thing... a lot... Gotten no where except big conspiracy theories that involve not really suicide... how long can the denial part go on huh??? :( Well I guess it is not going on but reoccurring... similar thoughts though... sure... there could be a bunch of little things but how did all of those little things turn into one f*ing huge one... what was the "straw that broke the camels back?" All that room I just took up... to make no more sense at all... sorry… it’s all very shitty, huh?

June 01, 2005 3:43 AM  
Blogger Greg Boncimino said...

Drew,
I think the last sentence of your first paragraph says it all -- you just can't be in your right mind to do this.

There's no reason, and it does not make sense. We struggle to find it, but we won't. Reason simply does not apply here.

All I keep coming back to is hope. Without hope, even for a moment, a person gives up. In the valley of March 2nd, Laur lacked hope, and couldn't even see the light of "tomorrow" to keep herself going. Tragic.

Sorry if this doesn't help much.

greg

June 01, 2005 8:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew - Everyone should be so rich as to have a small fraction of the friendship you and Laurie shared. (I know, completely NOT relevant to your post today, but have been meaning to say this for weeks.)


Debbi Dunlap, Jax, FL

June 01, 2005 10:12 AM  
Blogger Bigger than Me said...

Drew, I think I kinda echo what jackie said in a way. It's as though the more I think about it, the more impossible it seems, and I start trying to make up an entirely different scenario for how it "really must have happened." The more I know, the less I get it. I really hate when the cycle in my head finally runs its course, because it leads me back to a)I didn't really know my sister after all, b)this isn't a TV show, and the answers are not going to come dropping down from heaven in a bottle, and c)It doesn't make sense, it will never make sense, and there is no promise that it will never happen again. Crappy, huh? (Wow, would you believe it if I said I am actually doing pretty good today?)

June 01, 2005 2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew-
I ditto everything everyone has said. It is so true, the more I know, the more confused I get. I have found myself doing much the same, making up every story that doesn't include suicide and realizing how the stongest people can be shattered inside, but still show the same strong person.

I remember the last day I was with Laurie. It was at our Challenger meeting the Wednesday before, if it sheds any light, she was a bit quieter than usual when she walked in, but again, nothing unusal for a Honors college student. Besides, it took a whole 3 minutes for her to become herself as we chatted on and on about the cubs and our latest articles.

Even the next week, when she didn't show up at 5, we figured she probably was with her mom (she had missed us once before when Barb's car broke down) or she was studing for the first big Astronomy test. We didn't think a thing. Even when the signs went up and her picture was on the news, I was sure everything would be ok, and she would be back next week. Thank god all of us Honors kids and our professors were together at school, in the same room I had last been with Laurie when the website posted the news. It was utter shock, we had just spent 1 1/2 hours proving it couldn't be, then it was.

Why, God only know. And God knows that I and everyone else wants to know too.

I have said it before and will say it again, I believe Professor Richmond, mine and Laurie's professor last fall, got it best. (his comments are published in the Honors Society Website or Harper College's site) Laurie was the peacemaker, the one who brought everyone together, to sanity, to truth. But as selfish and greedy as we humans can be, we forget the thank the peacemaker, so as long and hard as they try, it only becomes more aggravating, that what they think is right and true and honest is rarely recognized by others.

Laurie must have reached a breaking point, where everything she felt was right she was either told was wrong or not told often enough that it was right. I cannot imagine Laurie, this wonderful girl I knew, doing such a thing. To this day I want to say that it was different, that someone so strong could not have become so weak.

So to shut me up from long rambling, Why, we probably will never know, and maybe we shouldn't. I think it will take a miracle to find out in this life. Perhaps if heaven really exists, we will find out then. Otherwise, we can only speculate.

When I lost my grandfather to suicide, my family went through the same. But we had to move onward with our lives, carrying with the memories and lessons we learned. Laur taught us countless millions of lessons about so many million things. Perhaps the Lord wanted her to teach us many million more lessons through this, but then I ask, why Laur, "why someone so great and such a wonderful example in life."

We will probably never know.

June 01, 2005 3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, where have you been all my life... one would think you've ditched me and our new found friendship based on your recent (or lack of) communication efforts.
Never-the-frickin-mind, I forgive you.
And P.S. I'm still working on those Conan Tix;)
AP

June 01, 2005 10:57 PM  
Anonymous A nay nay said...

Drew, where have you been all my life... one would think you've ditched me and our new found friendship based on your recent (or lack of) communication efforts.
Never-the-frickin-mind, I forgive you.
And P.S. I'm still working on those Conan Tix;)
AP

June 01, 2005 10:58 PM  
Anonymous Natalie - a lurker said...

Drew - From one who suffers from depression and an eating disorder and not shown them to others (not saying Laurie suffered from either) but suicide at times seems for me the only option. I know that sounds dramatic.

As Greg said, I have no hope or faith. I cannot think (almost an inability to change my mind processes) that tomorrow is going to be better, and in fact I barely even think about tomorrow. This world becomes a place that I just don't understand, and the more I try to understand it (and others), the worse things get. There is not just one thing that is bothering me but I feel much pain, sadness, confusion, loneliness. I get tired of life.

In my deepest depression days, I wouldn't have had the strength to kill myself though. It was when I was getting better and feeling stronger, that the idea came back to me. It haunts me and I hate it. I try to turn my mind off it because I know it does nothing good for me.

What I wouldn't have been able to comprehend if it weren't for these blogs, is the sheer amount of pain and confusion that I would leave on the shoulders of others.

And in all honesty, if I could leave the world today with a "thanks very much, I have tried my best but don't think I have done that great a job and so I will give someone else a shot at my place" without hurting a single person, I probably would.

Alas, I have it in my head that if it wasn't God's will, I wouldn't be here, but He wants me here for another reason.

So for now, I will continue to pretend to smile and hope like anything the rest of me will go along with it.

And yeah, you are right I must be completely out of my mind but I don't even realise it. No doubt about that - where I am is a place where there is no logic, there is no reason, there is no other solution.

Because I have been there (and let me tell you I like Laurie have been blessed with a good life and loving family and friends), I can understand why she did it, but never in a million words could I explain it to someone who is in their right mind.

Admittedly, I have probably just taken up about 10000 trying to explain, and probably failed miserably. Forgive me if I have caused any more pain than what you are going through - it truly wasn't my intention.

June 05, 2005 7:43 AM  

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