Thursday, June 09, 2005

Cold Water

I've been debating on whether or not post this for a long time. Just so you know...this post will be dark and maybe a little uncomfortable to read, but it's been a big part of my processing so I thought I'd share it. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but please don't expect to read any happy thoughts.

There's a Damien Rice song called "Cold Water" that makes me think of Laurie every time I hear it. I thought it was a beautiful song before Laurie died, but now it takes me to a much different place when I listen to it.

Here are the lyrics

"Cold Water"
by Damien Rice

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?


When I hear this song, I picture Laurie's death. Actually, I can't even say I picture it. The whole thing plays out in my mind like a scene from a movie, and "Cold Water" is the soundtrack as it happens. I can't really write out what I see shot-for-shot, and maybe it's better that way. I don't know how I feel about primarily seeing Laurie's death in a cinematic way, but it's just the way my mind works.

I think it's just another way, my way, of wanting to express pain through art. I know exactly how I see it...and how I'd want it to look on film. Then again, the thought of actually seeing it happen is pretty sickening, so that's clearly a double standard.

So I still don't know what the point of this post was. I'm just telling you more about who I am, especially for the legions of you that don't know me.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I would probably do the same thing...imagine how it happened.

June 09, 2005 7:41 AM  
Anonymous fe said...

Drew--
I know where you're coming from. I didn't know Laurie, but even I find myself attempting to imagine how it happened. It's not pleasant so I usually don't get very far because my mother instincts kick in and I become emotionally distraught.

June 09, 2005 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Meg said...

Drew,
You're an admirable guy, and I appreciate why you need to visit the dark places to deal with your loss.

Your strength is pretty amazing. Thanks for sharing your healing process with those of us who didn't know Laurie, but wish they had.

Meg in Arl Hts

June 09, 2005 10:20 PM  
Blogger thisdesertlife said...

This all makes perfect sense to me. How can we NOT think of those final moments and what it was like? It'd be odd if we didn't. I know it feels weird talking about these dark feelings, but it's so important to get it out of you. I know it's probably harder with random people reading your blog, but it's cool to get to know you this way.

Missy

June 09, 2005 10:22 PM  
Blogger Jackie R. said...

Hey Drew- I like these posts... probably b/c I will think through the same things - one might say I obsess a little... once had to ask my counselor if she thought it was unhealthy (back when it was about Columbine/ Sept. 11 etc.) She didn't think so... so I'll taker her word for it... anyhow - I think it is courageous and seems to help you process which is important huh? Press on!

June 10, 2005 5:05 PM  

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