Saturday, May 21, 2005

Nashville Part III

I'm home now after a very good (and pretty exhausting) week. It was great to spend time with some of my closest friends and get to know others better.

I still cant go too deeply into all the things flying around in my brain, but I can say that I have a new hero: Brian D. McLaren. I had read some of his books and really found myself clinging to his thoughts and pointing to him as The Voice that best describes what I've recently been thinking about God, the church, Christians, and that whole messed up world. Now I'm not saying he's the only guy who 'gets it', but he's had a major impact in helping people look at things a little differently. I had the chance to talk to him yesterday and he's as nice as he is brilliant. He'd already been approached by so many people and I didn't want to add to the craziness, so I just told him that I really enjoyed his books and told him what kind of effect they had on me. That's all I wanted to tell him...and then he asked about me and my life. He wanted to know stuff about me.....what I love, where I'm from, things about my past. It was a short conversation, but I walked away really feeling blessed by it. He even encouraged me simply by saying "keep up the good work". I can't say enough good things about Brian McLaren.

I've actually had quite opposite interactions with another speaker who was at emergent, and has been at Willow several times. I think this guy is an outstanding teacher, and probably a very good shepherd to his proverbial flock, but based on the few times I've talked to him I think he's a horse's ass. That's all I have to say about that.

There's also a small coincidence in the fact that it's May 21st. I flew home today from Nashville, and exactly two years ago today is when I flew down to visit Laurie in Mexico. Just kinda weird to be on a plane on the exact same day.

This part may be a little dark for some people...just a warning.

I don't know how many of you have been in a pool, ocean, or lake since Laurie died, but I had my first experience during the week. Being in our hotel pool was pretty creepy. I always went in at night, and I went by myself. As I jumped in the water, I was surprised at how cold it was. And I quickly thought "It's been 80 degrees all day today. It was probably 30 in Chicago the day Laurie died. So how freaking cold must the water have been?" The other thing that was very weird was being under water. It just felt awful...I didn't want to experience what Laurie experienced the last seconds of her life. But what am I going to do? Never go under water again? Regardless, it was bad. And to make things even darker, I tried to physically mimic the way her body must have been in the water. I'm sorry if that sounds terrible, but that kind of odd stuff is important to me...yet still so horrible.

Sorry to end on a bad note, but I don't have anything else for you at the moment. It was good to be away, but it's good to be home too.


Blogger Barb K said...

Love you, Drewie boy, Barb

May 24, 2005 10:53 AM  
Blogger thisdesertlife said...

I can't imagine how hard that was for you - the pool thing.
The days after I found out Laurie was gone, I kept having nightmares that I was in her place, and that I was changing my mind when it was too late, and how cold the water was... what it must have been like for her. They were terrible dreams. I think we have to think these thoughts though as part of grief and part of moving on, and it's just - human. And I really barely knew Laurie, although what I did know really touched me, and I've thought those things too. It's natural and you shouldn't feel ashamed for any reason of the darkness of your feelings or thoughts.

If it makes you feel any better, one of my best friends lives in the city and has been wanting me to come over to hang out by the lake and go to the the art institute and stuff, and I haven't wanted to. I don't want to see the lake, the water. Replay the whole thing in my head. I'm going through so much right now in my personal life that's just threatening to strangle me you know? - so it would just be too much.

Anyway... I'm prayin for you.


May 25, 2005 5:52 PM  

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